Emmy Rundown: The Good, the Bad and the Inexplicable

Umm, what… the…

We all know the ladies walking down the red carpet can look simply stunning… or, look like they got dressed in the dark or by a four-year-old. Either way, you’ve seen the best of the best, but I have the rundown for you that includes some of the worst. And I don’t think you’ll be disappointed.

Julie Bowen in Oscar de la Renta

I’ve never seen Claire Dunphy dressed like this! Julie Bowen, who took home a Supporting Actress Emmy for her role of Claire Dunphy on “Modern Family,” wore a stunning, plunging neckline, a-line gown in sparkling silver and black. It was kind of ill-fitting in her mid-section and she would’ve pulled it off better if she had more curves, but there’s no question about it — she was one of the best dressed of the evening. Absolutely lovely.

Jane Krakowski in J. Mendel

Honestly, I was expecting a little bit more from this hot “30 Rock” star. We know she has a great body and she has a great face, but this dress was just meh. It was shimmery white with a bauble brooch on her left hip. She did look good, don’t get me wrong, but I felt like the “wow factor” could’ve been amped up a little higher.

Kristen Wiig in Zac Posen

WOW is all I can say. I’ve never seen Ms. Wiig look this good before. She’s built up a reputation of so-so and kind of awful red carpet get-ups, but she blew me away with this brown ombre dress, with a plunging neckline and long train. The only problem some people had was that it matched her hair, also brown and looking kind of ombre. I thought she looked beautiful — especially with the pop of red lipstick!

Nina Dobrev in Donna Karan

Red definitely ruled the Emmy runway this way year, but I have to say newcomer and “Vampire Diaries” star, Nina Dobrev, stole the show. From the perfectly-fitted red body to the sleek hair and stunning mermaid style bottom, it was just perfect. She was my personal best dressed of the evening.

Angela Kinsey in Romona Keveza

Well. It was red. And it was um…it wasn’t…well at least it wasn’t ripped or sideways or anything (cough…Paula Abdul…). This dress was so ho-hum I almost didn’t care enough to form an opinion. One shoulder, sleeveless, and ill-fitting. The bottom of the dress just hung off of her and the top didn’t even look like it had been sewn well.

Christina Hendricks in Johanna Johnson

I’ve been back and forth on this one. Of course the curvaceous red head always looks beautiful, but sometimes (and by sometimes I mean all the time), she just doesn’t pick flattering outfits. I think we can all recall the purple catastrophe she wore last year. You know, the one that looked like she bought it at a store called “Big Bird Couture?”

This year she wore a dress that plunged at the top and plunged in the opposite direction at the bottom. In case you’re wondering, that is a look that is neither flattering nor necessary. Honestly, the too-high slit in the middle of the front of the dress looked like an after thought. So much so that I thought Christina might’ve been in her limo saying, “Hey, can I borrow scissors from anybody?” The dress itself wasn’t terrible — the color, that is. It had an explosion of sequin-y, silvery, sparkly somethings in the center (not always a great place to call attention to) but it actually looked nice. On the other hand, the dress was ill-fitting, i.e not flattering, and the fact that she was wearing what looked like not even three inch heels didn’t help matters. Come on, Christina, we’re on your side! Hopefully next year she’ll wow us all.

Emily Blunt in Elie Saab

The plunging neckline really got around this year. And why not? Emily Blunt’s navy, sequined gown looked absolutely stunning on her. From her midsection down it looked like there were feathers that got thicker in layers until the very bottom. Normally, feathers in any way are a big no-no (take a note, Christina) but Emily pulled it off beautifully. She completely stole the show from her Office star husband, John Krasinski.

Naya Rivera in Lloyd Klein 

At first this dress looks completely ho-hum. Black. Long (maybe a little too long) and high cut. But after the second or third look I realized that this dress was actually perfect for her. Sophisticated, perfectly fit, topped off with intricate pleated detailing that all made the dress work for her. Dianna Agron and Lea Michele should watch their backs. And speaking of which….

Dianna Agron in Roksanda

Oh. My. Holy. Unflattering. Blue dress. Dianna, what were you thinking?! Wrinkled, frumpy, ill-fitting, awkward, ugly! I could go on. I really hate to insult my precious Grace Kelly, I mean Dianna Agron, but really. Really. The dress was a hot mess. Cut to her mid-neck, draped in the wrong places, to her ankles in the front with a weird train situation off to the side… it was like she cut a hole in some fabric and just threw it over her body. Not to mention the fact that there were these awkward ruffles in the back (plunging) with a string tying them together…. It only sounds like a complicated mess because it was one. Please, Dianna, for the sake of the people who would give both their arms to look like you, try to pick a dress that an 89-year-old woman wouldn’t wear. Thank you.

Olivia Munn in Carolina Herrera

I’ll tell you right now, I’m laughing as I write this. This emerald green mess is straight off the runway and yet I’m literally laughing. Not at Olivia, per se, just more that she put this on and thought, “Hey, this is gorgeous and totally fits!” It was bloused over to be higher in the front than in the back, usually a slimming look, but then right under her bust it became a too-tight, hoochy looking dress that actually made her look heavy! And then at her knees it loosened up again poofed out. Just WHAT?! So unflattering.

Katie Holmes in Clavin Klein

Okay, before I begin I have to say that in defense of this dress (not in defense of Katie and whatever the hell she was thinking when she put it on) Calvin Klein’s look of clothing is very sleek, simple, chic. That’s how it is. But with this dress I didn’t know if she was going to the Emmys or suiting up to compete in a swim meet. The top of the dress was cut as a Speedo, then you have the middle, awkwardly belted and then you have the bottom… straight down and blah. The material did nothing for her body, the cut did nothing for her body, even the color (a washed out dark blue) was kind of just okay. Not to mention the hair from hell. She wore that messy bun we all wear when we work out and then fall asleep in and take 30 minutes trying to save ourselves from in the morning.

Again, WHAT?!
And I say that in the politest way I can.

Lena Headey in Alessandra Rich

Oh, Lena. You took a risk and I have to say, for me, it paid off. This dress wasn’t the usual dress that would come to mind when you think “risky.” It had a high cut neck, long black sleeves, and a billowy long skirt. It kind of brings to mind searching for Heathcliff in the moors. But it was also fabulously chic, especially with the huge, bright pink Brian Atwood pumps she wore underneath. The fact that her nails were black, as is her edgy, choppy hair, didn’t hurt either. I would have loved this more if the skirt part went straight down instead of poofing out, creating a sleeker silhouette, but I think she took a risk and it was worth it. She stood out in the sea of red gowns and sparkly, sequined chandelier looking dresses.

Amy Poehler in Peter Som

What the what?! Okay, it’s not her show but still. She was wearing some kind of Spandex-looking, metallic blue number. This dress would’ve looked eons better if two key factors were different: one, if the sleeves were longer and two, if this was on someone like Rosie Huntington-Whiteley. However, on Amy this dress just looked too-tight and made her look frumpy. She actually has a good body! I was very disappointed in this dress choice. No amount of Spanx could’ve saved this. It was a pretty dress, just not for Amy. Especially since the material is better suited for I don’t know…a gymnastics competition, perhaps?

Heidi Klum in Christian Siriano 

Okay, so I understand what she was doing. She took a risk, she wore a “couture”-looking dress and she supported an up-and-coming designer (one who won the show she hosts). But at the same time, this dress managed to be a mullet dress while still being knee-length and looked like it was growing some kind of fungus at the bottom. Miles and miles of really fluffy fungus. Definitely one of the worst of the night.

Sofia Vergara in Vera Wang

Ay, dios mio! Simply wonderful, incredible, beautiful, stunning, magnificent… any other adjectives I haven’t used? This is definitely the best we have ever seen Sofia. This one-shoulder, coral dress fit her PERFECTLY and, not only that, but it showed off her curves in the classiest way possible. It covered her cleavage (which is always a problem with Sofia) and it was just tight enough. The only problem I had was the, ahem, trashy-looking earrings she had on. Those earrings could’ve been wearing their own dress they were so big. I wasn’t crazy about the emerald and red color mixture. But I guess Sofia is a hot ‘n’ spicy Spanish bombshell and needed the little extra touch of… whatever she was going for with those earrings.

Cat Deeley in Monique Lhuillier

Wow! What a step up from the usually, um… eclectic outfits she wears on So You Think You Can Dance! She really glowed in this strapless, gold embroidered dress. It was a champagne color with gold sparkle covering it and some gorgeous tulle layered at the bottom. Simply stunning. Way to go, Cat.

Clare Danes in Oscar de la Renta 

Am I the only that thinks Clare always looks amazing but never gets any credit? I’m about to fix that. Clare? CREDIT. I am giving you credit!!! Strapless, shimmery, A-line gown in abstract blocks of blue, navy and light blue. Love! Her hair was perfectly blown out and she also opted for the pop of red on her lips.

Julianna Margulies in Armani Prive

Well somebody went shopping at the flea market for their dress! And by dress I do mean “ugly art deco lamp shade.” In case you were wondering. Honestly, I mean, HONESTLY. What was she thinking?! The lamp shade chic top fit her very weirdly and was topped off with lucite… decorations? Extra light bulbs? No idea what they were. The bottom was awkwardly A-line. It almost looked like she would have a hard time walking. One of the worst dressed of the night.

Gwyneth Paltrow in Emilio Pucci

Some said it was daring. Some said it was a hot mess. Some gave her props for showing off her taut stomach. Some said she had a muffin top. I stand somewhere in the middle. The first time I saw this shirt and high waisted skirt get up I almost gagged. The second time I actually said I loved it. It was a risk. It was black with some fringe and some swirly, fancy-hippie looking designs. I also heard it was see through at times (the worst, worst, worst mistake any starlet on the red carpet can make!!). Honestly, I would’ve liked this if it was a dress-the shirt and skirt were only about three inches from being connected and with a high neckline and plunging back this could’ve been a real winner. Shame it got such bipolar reviews.

Kaley Cuoco in Romona Keveza

Top and bottom I loved… but the dress kind of got lost in the middle. The top was one-shoulder, black, and her bust looked great. Her shoes were awesome, platform, and shiny red. Love. But the tea-length of the dress and the way it kind of leaned to the side made me think the hem was an afterthought. I do have a soft spot for Kaley, though, and thought she looked beautiful.

Sarah Hyland in Christian Siriano

I love Sarah Hyland. She’s beautiful at 22 and looks like she’s 12 and she’s absolutely hilarious on Modern Family. But there was just something about this dress…. I don’t know if it was the bulky belt, the not high enough slit, or the fact that the bottom looked too overwhelming for her tiny frame, but this dress just didn’t sit well with me. It was also an orange-y salmony color, which I don’t think suited her. Not to mention the fact that it reminded me vaguely of what Mila Kunis wore to the Oscars…or maybe that’s just because they look like the same person. Either way, not her best.

Jane Lynch in David Meister

She looked… good. Okay so I wasn’t crazy about it. The plum colored dress was strapless and cut a little bit too low, if you ask me. It was a simple, long dress and she looked very nice. It wasn’t anything special but it worked for her. The dresses she wore during the actual show were definitely much more spectacular.

Kate Winslet in Elie Saab 

I always anxiously await Kate on every red carpet. She, in my eyes, is the absolute height of amazing style on every red carpet. I even forgave that weird, bubble-fungus “couture” looking thing she wore at the Oscars. I hated that dress but somehow I loved it still because Kate was wearing it! (Oops, that was actually Cate Blanchett… but the comment still stands.) The thing about this simple, red, Elie Saab number was just that it was simple. Cap sleeves, a timid plunging neckline and a pair of Spanx underneath that were unfortunately not Spanx-ing anything under that dress, just didn’t make this dress work. Of course, her face looked beautiful and, honestly, even in this kind of meh dress she looked unbelievable and unforgettable. But I was kind of expecting more from this classy fashionista.

Evan Rachel Wood in Eli Saab

Now here’s a dress where cap sleeves work. Black, completely sequined, with a gorgeous train trailing behind her. Her red lip, classy up-do and this dress completely took me back to the old Hollywood glamor era. One of the best dressed of the evening.

Lea Michele in Marchesa 

Red. High neckline. Plunging back. Just lovely. I know I can always count on Lea to come in a gorgeous, chic and sophisticated dress. However, between the way this dress fit her (and I do mean that negatively) and the way her hair looked like she had just come from shooting Glee, I really wasn’t so impressed. The dress was pretty, with rose looking structures on the shoulder and the draping on the plunging back but, once again, the dress was just meh. If her hair had been in a fancy up-do and she had some wrist jewelry, this dress would’ve been wow-factor. Unfortunately, Lea looked a little sloppy.

Jayma Mays in Zuahir Murad 

Okay so I understand that her character on Glee is supposed to be a sugary sweet nightmare, but does she really have to be like that in real life too? This pink lace and tulle dress is just too much! Between her strawberry blonde hair, the red lips, the pink clutch, and the four layers of unflattering tulle that make up this ensemble, I felt like I was getting a toothache as I looked through her pictures. Not the most flattering or sophisticated thing she could’ve worn.

Drew Barrymore in Givenchy

Excuse me while I roll onto the floor and assume the fetal position for this one. This dress, in an awkward champagne color that looked more like ugly camel, had everything so wrong with it. Right from the top it starts with an awkward turtleneck situation but then transitions into having no sleeves (the arm holes were about two sizes too big) and then we get to the midsection where the fabric looks almost like shiny construction paper. It almost looks like an ill-fitting shirt until we get to the weird, mini skirt made out of some kind of mystery material. As if all that weren’t enough, there’s a sheer, pleated something or other going on, on the bottom. Can someone explain this all to me? I’m scared.

Cobie Smulders in Alberta Ferreti

A vision in light blue. She was the only one on the red carpet wearing this hue and she looked absolutely stunning. The just-plunging-enough neckline mixed with the Greek-goddess looking draped sleeves and the whole way the dress just flowed off her body and onto the carpet looked incredible. Definitely best dressed material.

Elisabeth Moss in Marchesa

Well at least Marchesa did one good thing at the Emmys. I feel like we never get to see Elisabeth in form fitting, glamorous clothing. She really brought it this time. She wore a gorgeous, form flattering light champagne colored dress with sparkly gold floral embroidery. It was just stunning. Fit to her body perfectly, cut perfectly and flowing out at the bottom with just the right amount of tulle. Not to mention the sparkly decoration on her arms that worked as her sleeves. Top. Notch.

Heather Morris in Masai Payan

It actually looked like some kind of ruffle-monster was eating her alive. The entire sickly looking purple gown was made of ruffles and it was too much, too big, too heavy, and altogether too old for this young, hot blonde. Why?!

Melissa McCarthy in Danielle Pearl

I’ve been watching Ms McCarthy from her days Gilmore Girls to her days on Samantha Who? and now in the hilarious Mike and Molly, so I have to say I’m finding it hard to write anything bad about her just now but… well, who are we kidding? I’m going to. This dress was just plain ugly! The sleeves were baggy on purpose which is never a good look unless the rest of the dress is tight. The empire waist did flatter her figure but the length and heftiness of the skirt just distracted from any kind of flattering this dress was trying to do. She did have a bit of a plunge in the neckline but, again, her bust was just saggin’ and draggin’, effectively distracting from the quite nice neckline. Of course her face and hair looked beautiful, as did the Emmy she won. Here’s hoping for next year.

Paz de la Huerta

I’m not gonna lie here, the first time I saw her I thought she was still in makeup from The Walking Dead. Then I realized she was on Boardwalk Empire. Awkward…. Let’s start from the top, shall we? I have nothing to say except, “Holy Bird’s Nest, Batman!” Oh wait, that’s just her hair. Her makeup was just awful and the flowing pink dress with slight silver embroidering would’ve almost been good if it hadn’t looked like someone stepped on the bottom, removing a huge chunk out of the front and awkwardly exposing her leg and some quite ugly, chunky silver shoes. Better luck next time, Paz.

Zooey Deschanel in Monique Lhuillier

I almost just wrote “Zooey Deschanel in 1987 Prom Dress” and then I almost crossed that out and wrote “Zooey Deschanel in Bottle of Pepto Bismol.” This year the normally cool and chic Zooey Deschanel wore a bad pink prom dress with a red ribbon tied around her waist. She had her hair in a half-ponytail and wore her blunt forehead bangs down. I didn’t know she was auditioning for a guest role in the next Glee prom episode! Good luck, Zooey! I hope you get the part.


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4 Responses to Emmy Rundown: The Good, the Bad and the Inexplicable

  1. Anonymous says:

    That was hysterical and so, so, so accurate!

  2. Anonymous says:

    Woo hoo, u nailed em.


  3. Ilana says:

    thanks! 🙂

  4. Anonymous says:

    this is HILARIOUS

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